Hello Mates on this weeks Jokes we have
A wealthy business man and his wife were having dinner in the restaurant of a very exclusive resort in the Bahamas. The man got up to visit the bathroom and on his way back he received a very passionate embrace from a beautiful blond. His wife noticed this and when he sat down, she asked, "Who was that?"
"Oh," he said sheepishly, "That was my mistress."
"Why you beast!" she said, "I want a divorce."
"O.K." he said, but it means we'll have to give up the place in Aspen, and the estate in Belize, and of course those shopping trips to Europe, and...."
As he was speaking she noticed one of the company board members dining across the way with a pretty brunette and she said, "Who's that with Wayne?"
"Oh, that's his mistress" was the reply.
She said, "Ours is cuter."
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There were two female ostriches running across the plain when they saw two male ostriches coming toward them. One said to the other, "Lets bury our heads in the sand." So they did.
Soon the two male ostriches came up behind the two female ostriches and one turned to the other one and said, "Where did they go?"
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A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."
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The Old Man
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season.
But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
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"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog it's too dark to read."-Groucho Marx.
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A zoo acquires, at great expense, a very large female gorilla of a particularly rare species. Right from the outset she is very bad tempered and difficult to handle. The zoo's vet, after examination, boldly announces that her problem is that she's in heat. If she was to be mated she would become docile and adjust to her new surroundings.
But what to do? There are no males of her species available and the other male gorillas are terrified of her. Whereupon, the zoo administrators remember that one of their zookeepers, an Irishman called O'Reilly, who is responsible for cleaning animals' cages, is a large man and notorious for his abilities with the opposite sex. Perhaps they could persuade him to placate the gorilla.
So they approach O'Reilly with a proposition. Would he be willing to do nature's best with the gorilla for 1000 dollars? O'Reilly asks for the night to think things over and on the following day, says that he'll accept the offer on three conditions:
"Firstly, there's to be no kissing. Secondly, I want any offspring to be raised Roman Cat'lic." The zoo administrators quickly agree to these conditions. "But what about the third?" they ask.
"Well," says O'Reilly, "you've got to give me some time to come up with the 1,000 dollars..."
*********************************************************************************
When Charlie, who had been an elevator repairman in life arrived at the pearly gates, Saint Peter looked on the master list and when he failed to find Charlie listed said he must go to the place below.
Upon arriving in Hell, Charlie felt immediately that something was wrong. He protested to the Devil that it was too hot and didn't smell that good besides. The Devil laughed, "It's Hell."
Charlie told the Devil that he had been a pretty good engineer in life and that he would see what he could do about the situation. Before long he had the air conditioning working and it was a comfortable 73 degrees. He also got the plumbing in good working order and things were quite a bit nicer all around.
Saint Peter called the Devil and said, "Hey, that Charlie belongs up here. He's a saint, and we need him." "No way, said the Devil, he's too useful down here." Saint Peter replied, "If you don't send him up here, we'll sue." "Ha," Said the Devil, "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Hope you enjoyed that and as always have a chilled day from the viking.
JOES JOKES
A wealthy business man and his wife were having dinner in the restaurant of a very exclusive resort in the Bahamas. The man got up to visit the bathroom and on his way back he received a very passionate embrace from a beautiful blond. His wife noticed this and when he sat down, she asked, "Who was that?"
"Oh," he said sheepishly, "That was my mistress."
"Why you beast!" she said, "I want a divorce."
"O.K." he said, but it means we'll have to give up the place in Aspen, and the estate in Belize, and of course those shopping trips to Europe, and...."
As he was speaking she noticed one of the company board members dining across the way with a pretty brunette and she said, "Who's that with Wayne?"
"Oh, that's his mistress" was the reply.
She said, "Ours is cuter."
*******************************************************************************
There were two female ostriches running across the plain when they saw two male ostriches coming toward them. One said to the other, "Lets bury our heads in the sand." So they did.
Soon the two male ostriches came up behind the two female ostriches and one turned to the other one and said, "Where did they go?"
********************************************************************************
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."
*********************************************************************************
The Old Man
An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season.
But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."
The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
*******************************************************************************
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog it's too dark to read."-Groucho Marx.
********************************************************************************
A zoo acquires, at great expense, a very large female gorilla of a particularly rare species. Right from the outset she is very bad tempered and difficult to handle. The zoo's vet, after examination, boldly announces that her problem is that she's in heat. If she was to be mated she would become docile and adjust to her new surroundings.
But what to do? There are no males of her species available and the other male gorillas are terrified of her. Whereupon, the zoo administrators remember that one of their zookeepers, an Irishman called O'Reilly, who is responsible for cleaning animals' cages, is a large man and notorious for his abilities with the opposite sex. Perhaps they could persuade him to placate the gorilla.
So they approach O'Reilly with a proposition. Would he be willing to do nature's best with the gorilla for 1000 dollars? O'Reilly asks for the night to think things over and on the following day, says that he'll accept the offer on three conditions:
"Firstly, there's to be no kissing. Secondly, I want any offspring to be raised Roman Cat'lic." The zoo administrators quickly agree to these conditions. "But what about the third?" they ask.
"Well," says O'Reilly, "you've got to give me some time to come up with the 1,000 dollars..."
*********************************************************************************
When Charlie, who had been an elevator repairman in life arrived at the pearly gates, Saint Peter looked on the master list and when he failed to find Charlie listed said he must go to the place below.
Upon arriving in Hell, Charlie felt immediately that something was wrong. He protested to the Devil that it was too hot and didn't smell that good besides. The Devil laughed, "It's Hell."
Charlie told the Devil that he had been a pretty good engineer in life and that he would see what he could do about the situation. Before long he had the air conditioning working and it was a comfortable 73 degrees. He also got the plumbing in good working order and things were quite a bit nicer all around.
Saint Peter called the Devil and said, "Hey, that Charlie belongs up here. He's a saint, and we need him." "No way, said the Devil, he's too useful down here." Saint Peter replied, "If you don't send him up here, we'll sue." "Ha," Said the Devil, "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Hope you enjoyed that and as always have a chilled day from the viking.
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