JOES JOKES

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JOES JOKES

“It’s so cold here in New York that the flashers are just describing themselves.” —Johnny Carson

“Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.” —Johnny Carson

“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?” ―Henny Youngman

“The trouble with New York is that it’s so convenient to everything I can’t afford.” —Jack Barry

“I moved to New York City for my health. I’m paranoid, and it was the only place where my fears were justified.” —Anita Weiss

“New York City is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell.” —Jeff Garlin

“In NYC, one suicide in ten is attributed to a lack of storage space.” —Judith Stone

“Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorker’s God-given right.” —Ghostbusters II

“New York is the city that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in the morning.” —Bill Maher

“There’s so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick.” —Nikita Khrushchev

“New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. There are so many ways to die here.” —Denis Leary

“In other parts of the country, couples try to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York, they try to work things out for the sake of the apartment.” —David Sedaris

“In New York, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans.” —Charlotte Perkins Gilman

“I’ve been living in the city for 15 years; I have no idea where the train is going. The worst is when the train goes express on a whim. Like, mid-ride, they decide, Let’s not stop. Why are we stoppin’? Let’s just go. And let’s not tell them either. Or let’s tell them as the doors are closing. [Closing doors sound.] ‘Next stop, 205th Street.’ The worst thing is you can’t really react, you know? I can’t go, ‘Oh my God, somebody help me! I don’t belong on this train! That’s not my area up there!’ You can’t do that. When you get there, you gotta get out like, ‘All right, I’m home. Yeah. Good to be back on 6 Trillionth Street.’” —Louis C.K.

“I live in New York. I love this city; it’s a great city. But I hate when people go, ‘New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories.’ There’s three New York stories, all right: There’s ‘I moved here,’ ‘I lived here all my life,’ and Ghostbusters.” —Mike Lawrence

“I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.” —Steven Wright

“I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York. And really, all that means is that I’m constantly surrounded by pretty girls who wear defiantly ugly clothing and a lot of dudes who look like they’re about to go operate a steam engine.” —Joe Mande

“It’s a thrill to be in New York. But I’m frazzled to the point where things are a little tweaky. I didn’t get much sleep. I’d flown in yesterday, and I had this very weird, genuine New York moment. I was on an elevator in a building in Manhattan. There was a guy on the elevator with me. Looked exactly like Spalding Gray. And my first thought was not, He committed suicide years ago. It was like, You pulled it off. My lips are sealed, bro. Looking forward to the show.” —Marc Maron

“New York’s such a wonderful city. Although, I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, ‘I’d like a card.’ He said, ‘You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.’ So I stabbed him.” —Emo Philips

“There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that it’s impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. Think about that, that’s true. ‘Cause you can hear anything, at any hour — there’s always something to blame it on.” —Pete Holmes

“Even if you like New York, you’ll admit it’s not a nice place. It does things to a person. My uncle — ten years ago, this guy was a prominent judge in Manhattan; now he’s a wino living in Central Park. But out of respect, people still say, ‘May I approach the bench?’ And that’s sweet.” —Jonathan Katz

“When you’re in Manhattan, you don’t get scared, no matter how fast the cab goes. ‘He’s driving fast and recklessly, but he’s a professional. He’s got a cab-driver’s license, I can see it right there.’ I don’t know what you need to get a cab-driver’s license. I think all you need is a face. This seems to be their big qualification. No blank heads are allowed to drive a cab in this town.” —Jerry Seinfeld

“New York now leads the world’s great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn’t make a sudden move.” —David Letterman

“New York is a sucked orange.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson

“My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.” —Woody Allen

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