JOES JOKES

Hello ladies and gents this is the Viking telling you that today we are talking about

JOKES FOR DOCTORS

A mother complained to her consultant about her daughter’s strange eating habits.

–“All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?”

–“Eventually,” said the consultant, “she will rise and shine.”

Cosmetic surgery

A sign on a cosmetic surgery clinics says:

“If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give you melons.”

Healthy living tips

Question: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away?

Answer: Only if you aim it well enough.

What’s the Best Type of Doctor?

The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can’t ask his patients what is the matter – he’s got to just know.

– Will Rogers

What a Spectacle

Q: Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine?

A: He made a spectacle of himself

You Would Have Thought The Same

This is a real story submitted to a Reddit board:

My favorite is a true story. During residency, I got paged at 3AM to the SICU. I called them, a bit curious as to what was going on, as 3AM calls to the neurologist rarely come from the SICU.

When I introduced myself as the on-call neurologist, the very southern-sounding nurse loudly exclaimed:

“Neurology? I wanted Urology. I got the wrong end!”

I Don’t Think You’re Ready For This Jelly

I was caring for a woman and asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?” “It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”

Here’s the backstory: “I work in a medical clinic and I have a little fun with a patient one day when she complains her kids keep ‘kung fu-ing’ her front door.”

Patient: “They just kept kung fu-ing the door and I kept telling them to stop.”

Me: “Oh, so, everybody was kung fu fighting?”

Patient: “Yes, and I told them to just swing at the air, not hit the door.”

Me: “Were they fast as lightning?”

Patient: “No, and it was scary, I thought they were gonna wreck my door.”

Me: “I bet it was a little bit frightening.”

Patient:“Yes, I thought they were gonna wreck my door!”

Me:“Hey, [Patient], c’mon, I just gave the first part of the song. Don’t leave me hangin’ here”.

Patient: “I know, but I don’t know the rest of the song!”

Duck Hunting

A group of physicians are duck hunting. The general surgeon spots a duck flying from the marsh, aims his rifle, shoots the duck in one shot, and turns to the others and says “I just shot myself a duck.”

The intern sees a duck, aims his rifle, leads the duck with his first shot, trails it with his next shot and hits with his third. He turns to the group and says, “It was too small for a condor, too big for a sparrow. I think that it was probably a duck.”

The radiologist sees a duck, aims a shotgun, hits the duck, and turns to the group. He states “I just hit a flying animal. It may be a duck, pheasant, or quail. Possible flying squirrel. Cannot exclude a pterodactyl at this point. I think I should shoot it again, but with a scoped rifle next time.”

The emergency physician spots a duck flying the marsh and aims a huge, automatic combat shotgun, unloading two full magazines into the air, as the other physicians take cover behind him. After the tremendous noise ceases, the intern uncovers his ears and shouts, “What the hell was that?” The emergency physicians turns around and says, “I have no idea, but I’m pretty sure that I hit it.”