JOES JOKES

 Hello ladies and gents this is JOE telling you that today we are laughing at

DAD JOKES

A family of three tomatoes

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

Absence!

Father: Why did you get such a low score in that exam?

Son: Absence!

Father: You were absent on the day of the exam?

Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!

Beans

A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

Blind Dates

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him at the restaurant so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died." "Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

Caterpillars

Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?

Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!

Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?

Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.

Coming Downstairs

Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance. "Teddy,' he called, 'how many more times have I got to tell you to come down the stairs quietly? Now, go back up and come down like a civilised human being."There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room."That's better," said his father. "Now will you always come downstairs like that?" "Suits me," said Teddy. "I slid down the bannister."

Fairy tales

"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? ""No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"

Father and son

A father sends his kid to bed. Five minutes later, the boy screams, "Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?" The dad says, "No. You had your chance."A minute later the boy screams, "Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?"The dad says, "No. You had your chance. Next time you ask, I'll come up there and spank you." "Dad! When you come up to spank me, can you bring me a glass or water?"

Father and son talking about the Bible

A young boy had just got his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to the study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B-average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that he'd best settle for the offer, and they agreed. After about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father about the car.

Again, they went to the study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But I'm real disappointed since you haven't got your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment and then said, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, and there's even strong argument that Jesus himself had long hair."To which his father replied, "You're right, son. Did you also notice that they all WALKED everywhere they went?"

And as always stay funny