JOES JOKES

 Hey laughomatics lets begin with jokes around the comedy sphere

LAUGH

David Mitchell

"When people say, 'Can I borrow your pen?' I want to say, 'Absolutely not! Get your own pen, this is mine!'"

"I'm not willing to say how I feel about anything. But that's just because I'm British."

"There's one of those adverts that sort of says, 'There are more germs on your chopping board than on your loo seat.' To which the answer is, 'Well, clearly that's fine, then.'"

"If there's one thing that really pisses me off... I call that a good day."

Stephen Fry

“I knelt to pick a buttercup. Why people leave buttocks lying around I’ll never know...”

"An original idea. That can't be too hard. The library must be full of them."

Jimmy Carr

“My favourite road sign is ‘Falling rocks’. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying, ‘Random accidents ahead’; ‘Life’s a lottery, be lucky.’”

"Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout, but you also don't die."

Sara Pascoe

“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.”

“We live in a society that considers any relationship that doesn't last until your death a failure. But you shouldn't worry about the ending at the beginning, it ruins everything and it's illogical. It's like giving birth to a baby dressed as the grim reaper.”

Frankie Boyle

"Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve and a big sign will up come that says: 'Level Two'."

And as always have a chilled day from the Viking