COMEDY QUOTES

Hello ladies and gents this is the Viking telling you that today we are talking about

Short and funny quotes | Humorous comedy joke

 

You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there. - George Burns 

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. - Emo Philips 

Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger? - Jonathan Swift 

Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end. - Woddy Allen 

Hilarious Quote: If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving. - Henny Youngman 

“If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side.” –  Stuart Turner“ 

“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”   – Gary Delaney

 “My girlfriend's dog died. So I got her an identical one. She was livid: ‘What I'm going to do with two dead dogs?’” – Gary Delaney 

Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?“ – Bill Murray 

“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?” – Tim Vine

I I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance – waiting for the bathroom. - Bob Hope 

I have Alzheimer’s bulimia – first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke. - Cindy from Marzahn

 “EVERYBODY PANIC!” - Will Ferell

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car. - Bob Monkhouse 

“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.” - Gary Delaney 

One of the funniest quotes: I intend to live forever. So far, so good. - Steven Wright Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. - Oscar Wilde 

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas." - Claude Pepper 

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. - George Burns 

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. - Steve Martin 

The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty. - Woddy Allen 

Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother. - Ken Dodd 

I believe there is something out there watching over us – unfortunately it's the government. - Woddy Allen 

If you don't have a “I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.”  – Robin Williams 

"You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'see if you can blow this one out.'"  - Jerry Seinfeld  

Politics“Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”. - Robin Williams

and as always have a chilled day from the Viking