Hello ladies and gents this is the Viking telling you that today we are talking about
The Men Jokes Collection!
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How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
It depends how thinly you slice them.
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What is the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
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What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.
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Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
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What's the difference between a man's wife and his girlfriend?
60 pounds.
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What's the difference between a woman's husband and her boyfriend?
60 minutes.
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Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.
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A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of orange. The barman says "still?" The man replies "well, I haven't changed my f***ing mind."
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Why do doctors slap babies' bottoms as soon as they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
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When is it much better to be a woman than a man?
When you are in the lavatory and the plane hits turbulence.
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What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.
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What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
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What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
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Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's got less far to go.
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What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
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What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
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Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
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Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
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Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
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Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
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What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
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What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelit dinner?
When the power goes off.
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What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
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How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
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What's a man's idea of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
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What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
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How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
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What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.
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What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.
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Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Spice Girls.
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What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.
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What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
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How does a man make sex more interesting?
He leaves town.
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What's a man's idea of a perfect woman?
Three foot tall, large mouth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.
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Why is a man like old age?
They both come too soon.
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Can you imagine a world without men?
No crime, and lots of happy, fat women.
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For a woman, marriage is more than just a word.
It's a sentence.
and as always have a chilled day from the Viking
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