Hello ladies and gents this is the Viking telling you that today we are talking about
Best Military Jokes
1. What do you call a soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
A seasoned veteran.
2. As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots fall out.”
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The drill instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him. The soldier smiled and said, “Sure were a lot of ’em, huh, sir?”
3. How many guns do you need for a firefight?
Two. One for us to shoot and one for the United States to sell to the enemy so he can shoot us back.
4. What do you call someone who just got run over by a tank?
Crunchy.
5. How do different military branches use stars?
The Army sleeps under the stars. The Navy navigates by the stars. The Air Force chooses hotels by the stars.
6. What month do all troops hate?
March.
7. What do soldiers do when they find a scorpion in their tent?
In the Marines, they kill the scorpion. In the Army, they call their CO and report the presence of the scorpion. In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there’s a tent in his room.
8. Why do military men often marry lovers from the foreign countries in which they’re deployed?
When they finally come home, they get to leave their in-laws thousands of miles away.
9. Did you hear about the karate master who joined the military?
He saluted and nearly chopped off his own head.
10. Why was the sergeant mad when his son brought home an A in math?
His son spent more time dividing than conquering.
11. Why don’t Twitter users make good soldiers?
They’re always too quick to retweet.
12. An ice cream cone and a slice of cheesecake joined the army. They eventually abandoned their fellow soldiers.
They are now wanted for dessertion.
13. A soldier runs up a hill and around a corner before slamming into an officer.
“Where do you think you’re going, son?” “Sorry, Captain! It’s crazy out there and the firefight was so heavy. I got scared and tried to go AWOL.” “Who you calling Captain? I’m a general!” “Wow!” exclaimed the soldier. “I didn’t realize I’d run that far back.”
14. Where do Generals keep their armies?
In their sleevies.
15. What do you call a high-ranking soldier who hates recycling?
General Waste.
16. What happened when the soldier went to the enemy bar?
He got bombed.
17. Officer: “Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?”
Soldier: “Sure, buddy.” Officer: “That’s no way to address an officer! Now, let’s try it again!” Officer: “Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?” Soldier: “No, SIR!”
18. A general is sitting in his jeep on the side of the road when a lieutenant pulls up, hops out, and asks, “Car stuck?”
The general hands the Lt. his keys, slides into his jeep, and says, “Nope. But, yours is.”
19. A drill sergeant grumbles at his fresh young trainee, “I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning, private.”
“Thank you very much, sir,” replies the soldier.
20. Words of wisdom from the front lines:
The coffee tastes better if the latrines are downstream from the encampment.
And as always have a chilled day from the Viking
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