JOES JOKES

 Hello ladies and gents this is the Viking telling you that today we are talking about 

Jokes about the Scots

STINGINESS

Q. Who invented the copper wire?

A. Two Scots fighting over a penny.

Q. Why are so many Scottish churches circular?

A. So nobody can hide in the corners during the collection.

Q: How did the Grand Canyon in Arizona come about?

A: A Scotsman accidentally dropped a penny down a gopher hole.

The Red Cross

A farmer and his family were trapped in their house in winter during the height of a severe blizzard.

The Red Cross arrived by helicopter to save them and landed on the roof.

One of the rescuers shouted down the chimney, "It's the Red Cross!"

There was a pause for a few seconds before the reply "I bought one last year!".

Happy Hour

A visitor to an Aberdeen bar was surprised to find the beer only two pence a pint. The barman explained that it was the price to mark the centenary of the pub opening. The visitor noticed, however, that the bar was empty.

"Are the regular customers not enjoying the special prices?" he asked.

To which the barman replied "They're waiting for the Happy Hour". .

GLASGOW FAQ

Q. What do you call a Glaswegian in a suit?

A. The accused.

Q. Why wasn't Jesus born in Glasgow?

A. Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Q. Why do pipers march when they play?

A. Because a moving target is harder to hit.

Glaswegians consider Edinburgh to be in the east - the Far East.

Edinburghers consider Glasgow to be in the west - the Wild West.

URGENT - GLASGOW EARTHQUAKE APPEAL

At 00.54 on Monday 23rd September 2002 a major earthquake hit measuring 4.8 on the richter scale epicentered on Glasgow.

Victims can be seen wandering aimlessly muttering: "Ah wiz sh*ttin' masel", "Ah need some jellies".

The Earthquake decimated the area, causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Untold disruption and distress was caused:

* Many were woken well before their giro arrived.

* Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish costas were damaged.

* Three areas of historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed.

* The cone fell off the head of the statue outside the Modern Art Gallery.

* Thousands are confused and bewildered, trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting has happened in Glasgow.

* One resident, Mary-Alice McGregor, a 17 year old mother-of-three said "It was such a shock, little Chelsea came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Shauni slept through it. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."

* Apparently though, looting did carry on as normal.

* The British Red Cross have so far managed to ship 4000 crates of buckfast to the area to help the stricken masses.

* Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings including benefit books and jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos.

HOW YOU CAN HELP

Clothing is most sought after. Items required include:

- Sovvy rings

- Baseball caps

- Shell suits

- Tesco two stripe trainers

- White socks

- Chunky gold chains

Food parcels may be harder to put together but are necessary all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:

- Faggots and Buckfast

- Grey Peas and Buckfast

- Pork Scratchings and Buckfast

- Tripe and Onions and Buckfast

- "Pigs Blood Pud" and Buckfast

- Fray Bentos Pies and Buckfast

* £2 buys chips, scraps and ginger for a family of four.

* £10 can take a family to Coatbridge for the day, where children can sniff glue and spike up among the national collection of stinging nettles.

* 22p buys a biro for filling in a spurious compensation claim.

And as always have a chilled day from the Viking