JOES JOKES

 All right mates. This is Joe telling you that today you are laughin at 

Funny Marriage Jokes

Marriage is like going to a restaurant. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors and don’t work half the time!

What is the penalty for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

My wife says I can join your gang but I have to be home by 9.

Wife renewed me for another season.

Just asked my wife what she’s “burning up for dinner” and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.

The groom is the kind of guy you don’t have to worry about introducing your parents to. That’s why (Bride) didn’t worry about introducing (Groom) to hers until today.

Wife: “Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?” Husband: “How can I? I don’t even know her.”

Marriage is like deleting all the apps on your phone except one.

I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.

At every party, there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

Any husband who says, ‘My wife and I are completely equal partners’, is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.

A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.

Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”

My husband cooks for me like I’m a god – by placing burnt offerings before me every night.

My wife keeps telling everyone that she can read their minds, but she never can. She’s telepathetic.

When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie. She meant goals.

My wife made me a green hamburger today to celebrate St Patrick’s Day. I asked her how she colored it and she said she didn’t know what I was talking about.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

Of course, the groom has always been incredibly image conscious, but this morning was particularly bad – he spent three hours in the bathroom! To get an idea of what that’s like, why not agree to make a wedding speech?

Marriage is full of surprises but it’s mostly just asking each other, “Do you have to do that right now?”

Do you know why the king of hearts married the Queen of hearts? They were perfectly suited for each other.

Whenever my wife packs me a salad for lunch all I wanna know is what I did wrong.

The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are “I apologize” and “You are right.”

On my wedding day, my mom told my bride, “No refunds, no exchanges on sale items.”

My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I’d start lying to my wife..

Husband: “Why do you keep reading our marriage license?”

Wife: “I’m looking for an expiration date.”

What are a married man’s two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.