JOES JOKES

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JOKES FROM COMEDIANS!

Eventually, as comedians grew increasingly observational, personal, and political, the idea of doing a stock one-liner became absurd. Comedians tell jokes, but they don’t tell jokes. Again, that is onstage. Offstage, it’s a different story. Some comedians love telling street jokes in green rooms, and some carry one around with them in case of a radio appearance or bothersome person sitting next to them on a plane. As a result, if you need a joke in a pinch, a comedian is not a terrible person to ask.

Luckily, Vulture’s comedy podcast Good One has done the work for you, asking comedian guests the question: “What’s your favorite joke-joke?” And now, we’ve compiled a collection of their answers here. That’s right: This is a list with no observational humor, no prop comedy, and no “comedic songs.” Just pure, unadulterated joke-jokes that you can steal for your next icebreaker.

“‘What’s the difference between a refrigerator and an elephant?’ ‘What?’ ‘Are you stupid? Like, everything.’” —Nikki Glaser

“A guy walks into a bar and says, ‘Ouch.’” —Sam Richardson

“‘Hey, ask me if I’m a dinosaur.’ ‘Are you a dinosaur?’ ‘No.’” —Jamie Lee

“A couple is lying in bed. It’s the middle of the night and there’s a knock on the door at three in the morning, and the guy gets up out of bed and opens the door. He comes back to bed and his wife says, ‘Who is that?’ And he says, ‘Oh, some stranger who wanted a push. I told him I couldn’t help him.’ She says, ‘What if that was you? What if you needed a push in the middle of the night?’ He says, ‘You’re right. Fine.’ So he gets dressed and he goes out into the darkness and yells, ‘Hey man, are you still there? Do you still need help?’ The guy yells back, ‘Yeah, I do!’ He says, ‘Where are you?’ And he says, ‘I’m over here on the swing.’” —Tig Notaro

“There is this moose hunter, and he’s hunting moose in the woods. And there is another guy who is walking in the woods, and he yells over at him from a mile away, ‘Don’t shoot me! I’m not a moose!’ And the day goes on, and they get to half a mile away from each other, and the guy sees the moose hunter again, and shouts out, ‘Hey don’t shoot me! I’m not a moose!’ Then later, they’re all of a sudden 200 feet away from each other and the guy sees the moose hunter again, and he shouts, ‘Hey don’t shoot me! I’m not a moose!’ Now they’re ten feet away from each other, and the guy shouts again ‘Don’t shoot me! I’m not a moose!’ And the moose hunter turns the gun and shoots him, and the guy falls to the ground dying and goes, ‘Why did you shoot me? I told you I wasn’t a moose!’ And the moose hunter goes, ‘Oh. I thought you said you were a moose.’” —Vanessa Bayer

“Did you hear what happened when the guy who wrote the song ‘The Hokey Pokey’ died? They couldn’t close his coffin. Every time they put a right foot in, he put his left foot out.” —Felipe Esparza

“Why’d the man get fired from the orange-juice factory? He couldn’t concentrate.” —Craig Robinson

“I was in premed, and I remember one time I was doing rounds, and a guy had been in a motorcycle accident and broken his jaw — it was all wired shut — and he said: [Muffled sounds.] They say, ‘Well, we have to feed you through the back door.’ So they flipped him over on his stomach, and they put a funnel in his ass. He says, ‘Well, I’m kind of hungry. What’s for lunch?’ They say, ‘We have roast beef, broccoli, a baked potato, and hot chocolate.’ [Muffled sounds of agreement.]  So they pour it down the funnel and he goes, ‘OH!’ And they said, ‘Too hot?’ and he said ‘Too sweet!’” —Martin Short

“Two whales are sitting at the bar. One turns to the other and goes, ‘Aaaooooowhhhooo ooooooohhhoohh.’ And the other one goes, ‘Man, you are drunk.’” —Cecily Strong

“This guy goes to a silent retreat where you don’t speak at all for a year. He stays in this little room, and after three months, the room is freezing cold. So he goes to the leader of the retreat and goes, ‘My room is very cold. Can I get a blanket?’ The guy gets the blanket and he goes back to his room and continues his silent retreat. Three months later, There’s a leak in his room and he goes back to the leader and goes, ‘There’s a leak in my room. Can someone come and fix the leak?’ They fix the leak, and he goes back to his room. After nine months, he goes back to the leader, and he goes, ‘This retreat is not going as well as I’d hoped. I’d like to leave.’ And the owner of the retreat goes, ‘Yeah, I think you should. You haven’t shut the fuck up since you’ve been here.’” —Gina Yashere

“A guy catches his wife in bed with his best friend, and he goes, ‘Sal, I have to! But you?’” —Wayne Federman

“How did the gum cross the road? It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.” —Sam Jay

“A panda walks into a bar. He orders some food, and then the bartender gives him the bill. He gets up, walks away from the food and the drinks, and gets to the door. The bartender goes, ‘Hey, man, what are you doing?’ The panda bear goes, ‘I’m leaving.’ The bartender goes, ‘You can’t leave. You’ve got to pay me right now.’ The panda pulls out a gun and fires two shots in the air. He’s about to walk out the door. ‘Are you fucking crazy? I’m gonna call the cops right now.’ The panda bear goes, ‘It’s what I do, look it up. Check an encyclopedia.’ The bartender opens up the book; it says, ‘Panda bear: eats shoots and leaves.’” —Hasan Minhaj

And as always have a laugh